Withdrawal          by Trev Roberts
 
The clock ticks in the kitchen…. An imperceptible sound….. consciously…. to most….
Like thunder to me…. Each tick reminding me of my solitude and isolation…. The prospect of eternal pain and suffering…..With no hope of respite ….ever
What am I doing?
I am suffering withdrawal…
NO….. I am withdrawal
It is expected…. But why should I even try to endure this…..
The only thing in my entire life
that ever provided moments… and glimpses of joy,  from my eternal pain and suffering
is the high of my addiction…. To being in love….
And this person… my focus…. Is my ultimate nemesis, my abuser, tormenter
And yet she is everything, spiritually bonded beyond all reason…. Despite the horrors I have endured at her hands… despite the pain….. despite losing everything…. Still….. still…. When I see her essence, the good in her….. I see god….. the only thing that can…. or ever has…… eased my pain….
For a moment more, of that ease to suffering…… I would endure hell itself…. And yet I do…. Have…. Over ….and over again….. yet last it does not….
A cruel trick of fate to dangle such wonders in front of me…. only to snatch them  away…. time and time again
The cost is too high….. a prize beyond reach and without hope, she is ill…. And all the good is outweighed…. a million times by the bad…. And yet her smile and touch remove these truths from memory….. like a mirage…. I am but A moth….. drawn to the candle flame….. there is and can be no defence…. It is my nature
I scream inside Why? ……. Why???? ….. WHY!!!!!!
And so of the future…..  I cannot enjoy sex with anyone else…. Just compare and lose interest….. even in the midst….. I am ruined…. Destroyed…. To know I will never feel such real joy, connection, love or bond again….. is not that worse than the torment and cost of this addiction
And if I make it…. What lies the other side of this…. Perpetual nothingness??  An endless void which consumes my very soul??
Whats the point…. Damned if I do… damned if I don’t…. but then…… that’s all Ive ever known…
But… and perhaps its just imagination… or wishful thinking…. Is there a part of me…. A silent observer…. that I blind myself to…. with fear…..That seems to whisper to me….. the only way out is through….. and if you make it to the other side….. you will experience freedom, peace and joy….. far beyond the high…..  unimaginable to you right here, now……  but it is there….. and if the path could be made easier…… it would……