im charlie 73, a sla member, terrified of goin back, painfully moving forward,there are no meetings where i live, yet im doin questions, and reading literture,every time i think or have bou of obsessiveness around my qualifier, i know really, its my 13yr old child within , waiting ,wanting her dad to come back and love her, my dad told me he didnt want me, when i was 13, he was my 1st love addiction, i now realise, in my head, i can say i hate my dad, admit im angry, although theres a tight choke to realease any hurt, there is a loosening and i cry alot, im also at that phase where every day, my face changes, like i dont know who i am.
last night i felt i made progress with my 13 yr old, i repeatedly tell her shes safe, loved and ok, its not her fault, i feel, intutively, she is closer to me, coz she feels safe, i feel protective over her, and im usin a visualisation of seeing the backs of my qualifier, my mum and dad, on a jetty, i know there not turning around to see me go or say goodbye, this is my girls goodbye, to accept that the love ive always seeked, will not be found with them at all!!
my goodbye is also to bring acceptance to my little girl that i , the adult, are separate, yet together, that my separatness, that black pit of aloness is where i meet myself, and my Hp, that im not alone, i feel deeply sad, and want to cry, i constantly askin my angels to fold there wings around me, to carry me, be with me and my child, i have real hope, that this addiction will not control my me, to self detruct anymore, ive had enuff of wanting to die, since progress with my little girl, i feel inspired to seek things out to look forward to and,wanting to be creative, thiese are my blessings, i am safe, i am loved, i love me, i am ok.
im tired alot, i sleep plenty, cry plenty, and still so tired, i think part of process?
also, notice, when im disaccocaited or zoning out, into feelings arising i feel cold, when im with my liitle girl, my heat temp rises, and when im aware of my thinkin and feeling, im just ok, this all amazes me, ive turned a corner, and trust not just i have to , yet i want to, that i want myself, to be alive and living, free from always seeking, searching attention of others, grateful for any idebtifycation
charlie 73, 9days abstnant