Hi there. I've been around for a while but am going through a bad patch right now, would welcome feedback. It's a really confusing situation with aspects of love addiction and anorexia.
I think it started off relatively healthily! I had been attracted to a woman who I met at a class, and eventually managed to get her phone number and she suggested we meet up. I had a wonderful time and was on good form, though I was a lot less open about my relationship hopes and history than she was. (Probably a lot of shame and fear of vulnerability there). But she suggested we make it a date next time, which i was very happy about! That's where the disease kicked in - disbelief and denial that this was happening. I didn't mention the word 'date' for fear of rejection, and when we met next I was pretty frozen. Considering that I was open, just not about my feelings about her. When I saw her again, I did talk about dates, but it was kind of taking one step forward and two steps back, we were both busy but could have met up. So a few weeks later she txts me to say she's spent a lovely week with the new man in her life, but she still wants to meet up with me.
I wished her well as best i could (avoiding showing any disappointment!) and have avoided seeing her since. We've both txted about meeting up but the last time I said I wasn't available - I got really angry with all the obsession and fear I was experiencing.
I'm really hung up on whether she's with someone else or not, even if it isn't a committed relationship. I've talked to everyone I know about it, and heard 200 different opinions - and I want to please everyone! My sexuality is such a tiny voice, and I'm somewhat afraid of what my friends think, even in the fellowships. I just do the most anorexic thing that anyone suggests! I've not been in touch for weeks, and am in a weird limbo where I'm not treating her as a friend, but I'm not willing to tell her how I feel. It's become a big avoidance/obsession thing for me (avoiding that part of town but obsessed with bumping into her). Letting go is proving rather difficult too: my sexuality is fairly firmly entrenched in my fantasyland at the moment. I feel guilty and ashamed for the fear and the neediness, and for the unexplained avoidance. I'm afraid of being all locked up and anorexic when I talk to her, so I'm not talking to her. I'm also aware I've felt completely enmeshed at times, but I'm sure there was/is the potential for a strong relationship with someone who is compatible and attractive.
I know the solution lies in the steps; believing that my HP can restore me to sanity, and being ready to have my negative beliefs about myself removed by God.
I'm just not sure what is best for my sanity in this situation. Compulsive avoidance doesn't make me feel good (depression has been lingering). I don't know whether I should bottom line contact with her as it's anorexia which I feel has caused the problem: input from any anorexics/love addicts would be appreciated.
Best wishes for a happy Christmas.

- Higher Power, trick me into letting go!