I have been with my partner for about 2 years , it has been a rocky 2 years at that , and we have broken up many times, all my decision, every time I break from him , I feel very strongly  that this is going to be the last time , and I will not go back , and I am generally fine for about 4/5 weeks and then the feelings of loss (parallel to death of someone) and hopelessness and aloneness and grief, creep into my mind , and overtake me , I feel powerless to stop my desire to call him , talk to him , see him . I start to think about him daily, in fact all the time and then get one way or another we get in contact, and the whole cycle starts again . It is like succumbing to my desire , like I eating the forbidden fruit, letting myself go, but it feels good , it feels so right , and so wrong at the same time , all in the same breath. The relationship is not a healthy one , we are great in bed together but otherwise we have not that much in common. He is phenomenally jealous and does not believe anything I say , I have to limit my friends and curb my life to suit his unreasonable demands, he will not socialize with me, ( and goes moody and does not talk when we have) he likes to have me at his house in bed most of the time. I know deep down that the relationship is wrong on every level , and my character and personality has changed because of him , I no longer speak to my friends regularly, I no longer go out , am nervous to socialize , and nervous to talk with friends about where I have been, or what I have been doing as I have told everyone I have broken from him and what a nasty man he is.In my head I am going mad lying to myself that he is right for me , or worth all this effort , lying to my friends about who I am with . It is as if I am not in control at all a combination lust and love combined , I feel lost , I am in love, I am feeling so guilty, my feet are not on the ground, he makes me feel alive, but dead at the same time, In control, but totally out of control, he is my heaven, my hell. I think I am addicted to him .