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Hating that I am bi, only makes addiction worse
Hi everyone, I am really trying to be in control of my sex life and although I know that I can't, I am still obssessively trying to come up with a kind of sex that is better than the others. My bottom-line behaviours, I feel are endless, I don't even know what is normal sex life and what is not being an addict. I think I am so scared of everyting that I try to come up with a universal, holy, straight way of having sex and I do not allow anything else. This obviously does not work because I am bi and althought I have been with women and it is great, sometimes I start thinking that it is wrong, it is not spiritual. I have tried to live some kind of a spiritual life so much, that I have messed up most of the areas in my life. I still can't come to terms that it is ok to be gay, I love all my gay friends and I do not judge them but I impose on myself to not be gay. Then I just decide not to have sex with guys either because sometimes they freak me out, I often feel like something is taken away from me when I sleep with them. I just think that sex is not holy or something and so I have tried tantric sex and that was good but not for long because it was just another attempt to control sex. Sometimes I think that I go for women because I am scared of having sex with men and I should be straight, sometimes I think that I should just go for women and that does not end up too well either. I am having difficulties accepting sex as it is, whitout trying to impose things on it. I am also having difficulties accepting that I am powerless, a part of me, thinks that I have a way out of it, that I will figure it out but I know that I can't. my fears do not let me surrender at all. I don't have SLAA meetings near me at all and I do not wanna talk about my messed up sex life in other fellowships, why is sex such a messed up topic! I would wanna say that I am hating how I am now, but I know it is me, who put myself here in my attempt to be more than others, more spiritual that others. I am slowly starting to see that there are many truths around and what is true for me may not be true for others. I still cannot let go of thinking that the only way of having spiritual sex is between man and a woman, but if God has made me bi, then I suppose I can't fight the nature.Thank you for reading my post, it would be great to talk to someone about this, as I don't have any SLAA meetings near me. Blessings!
Hi everyone, thank you so
Hi everyone, thank you so much for getting in touch with me. I was going through some really rough time last week. I do feel better after reading your comments. I did at some point feel that my bisexuality was a blessing because it really is a unique thing that i love people beyond the gender and it is not like i can't say no or men were not enough, so i went afer women. I do hope that i will be able to embrace the fact, that I am bi and feel blessed to be that way. Hopefully I am going to stop fighting it as i am powerless over it anyway. I still think that I do have a sex addiction as i am using sex for stuff and getting on with people for the wrong reason. Or maybe I am just stopping myself from being with people because of fears and things. I can't go to a meeting because there isn't one near me but is it possible for me to find a sponsor here or anything like that?
Hi Jennifer I've thought
Hi Jennifer I've thought all my life that I'm bisexual but it was only in my late twenties that I had my first relationship with a women. For the last twelve or so years I've identified myself as a lesbian identified bisexaul. I hve not found it easy in the lesbian world looking after my bisexuality. The most common responses include you're just too scared to come out and what would you want to be with a man for. Both have been unhelpful. I love who I love for who the are inside, not their packaging. In the straight world bisexuality is seems to be seen either as an invitation for open relationships or wild sexual proclivity. I guess in a nutshell I'm saying that neither experience has been helpful. I have had the rare opportunity to meet with groups of bisexual women over the years and have found this very helpful especialy in coming to grips with the okayness of being me and that being bisexual doesn't mean and has never meant I just can't say no. It just means that I possess an ability to love someone beyond the gender barriers. At one of these women's meetings I went to someone reframed the sexaul orientation world for me into something I find much more helpful way to think about it. She divided it into essentially two catagories with a continuum in between, they are the bisexuals like us and then the monosexuals. Monosexuals include straght and gay people i.e. those with the capacity to love only half the world's population. I still find it hard to understand monsexuality, I mean how can one one say that in 3 billion of the world's 6 billion, there would not be one person that they could love. I know my simple in some ways and complicated in others, some of it is about desires and then others facets are about trauma and avoidance. I know being true to myself in recovery will bring challenges to the very grain of my understanding of my own sexuality and that there is and will continue to be healing in this very integral part of my identity. Joyful in hope; patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. PS Healing does not mean to me becoming monosexual
Jennifer so sorry for your
Jennifer so sorry for your pain and confusion. I am a gay identified bi man. Homophobia is so endemic that it is often hardto know what is real and unreal. My sexuality is spiritual and a gift from God. No straight defined view of the world is going to make me feel less good about myself. My sexuality is not my addiction. I think that it seems you have accepted a straight version of what is good and what is bad. Maybe you should be with men or with women but neither has a spiritual hierarchy over the other. Heterosexism is not a virtue it might be endemic but it is the sign of a sick society. Perhaps you could try to set up a slaa meeting in your local area. Just advertise for others on the forum topics. You may have to wait for some time for people to contact you but if you keep at it others will contact you over time. I wish you well.
Hi Well done in reaching
Hi Well done in reaching out. Sexuality and sexual orientation is morally neutral as far as S.L.A.A. is concerned. It bears no overall, absolute difference to the end results or causes of addiction. Therefore your own sexuality is neither here nor there other than to yourself and those you express your sexuality with. The preamble you find to the left of this page, which is read out at meetings goes: We find a common denominator in our obsessive
/compulsive emotional patterns, which render any personal differences of sexual
or gender orientation irrelevant.There are plenty of daily online and some telephone meetings that you can attend, and through this website you may be able to find a sponsor who may be willing to help you through working out your bottom lines and recovery process. Do not feel that you are all alone because you are not.Wish you all the best, let us know how you get on.