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guilt and shame
Just needed to post some thoughts today as I feel like I am going crazy and can't get to a meeting. I've been in recovery for a while now and been sober on my bottom lines for around 4 months but right now it feels like I am back at the beginning. Please forgive this for being a bit confused but this is simply how I feel today! I have entitled this guilt and shame as that is how I feel about having some intense feelings around someone else who is in the fellowship and it is eating me up. I met this person when I came into the rooms and immediately found him overwhelmingly attractive and developed the usual fantasy and obsession about who he was, whether he liked me etc etc I guess I don't need to go into details as anyone reading this will most likely understand where my head took me when I saw him, I used to wonder if he would be in meetings, fantasise about getting to know him and generally think about him way too much. I didn't beat myself up about it then as I knew it was my addiction and as long as I didn't do anything about it then I could keep it under control. I managed to do this and the obsession left me for a while, it seemed good recovery was kicking in around this person but lately things seem to have changed. Gradually I got to know him and we became friends, nothing that threatened my bottom lines, just a fellowship friendship which actually seemed to make things better. As I got to know him I stopped objectifying him and simply saw him as another person trying to get well who deserved my respect and support. Recently however things have changed, I have not gone back to the obsession and fantasy but feelings are still there and now instead of excitement and addictive highs I feel utterly frightened, guilty and ashamed. This person is a friend and a member of the fellowship and I know him yet these feelings are so intense. Sometimes I wonder if they are genuine and not part of my disease, perhaps I do truly like this person or perhaps I am just an addict trying to justify my thinking. Either way it is making me feel quilty and ashamed. How can I behave like this when I now know so much better? I am no longer a new comer, I can't use that excuse anymore and I care about this person and I feel that having me like him is simply an insult to him. It is driving me crazy, I am scared that these feelings are real and I am scared that they are not. This is bringing me to my knees again and I can't go back to the pain I was in at the beginning, I simply don't have it in me. I am sorry that this is more of a rant than a share but I don't know what to do. I have prayed on this, I have made outreach calls, I have used all the tools of the programme and still I am left in pieces. I know this will pass I simply don't know what to do until it does and in the meantime the fact that I am being disloyal to a member of the fellowship that I hold so dear is killing me.
I'm new to this fellowship,
I'm new to this fellowship, though I'm not new to the steps or recovery and I just want to say how much your share has helped me today. The honesty is amazing and what I identify with so much is what I hear as the craziness, fear and frustration you experience as you try to work if your feelings are real or not. You ask what you need to do - maybe you don't need to do anything other than those things that you know will strengthen your recovery.I have only recently admitted to myself that I am a sex and love addict - there are no meetings here in Leed where I live. I am in withdrawal from a 2 year relationship and from another relationship where I was being emotionally unfaithful to my partner. I was going up the walls today trying to figure out which (if any) of my feelings and thoughts around these two women are real. I logged on here and saw your post you've reminded me again that its not the realtionship with either of these women that i need help to sort out - its my relationship with relationships and ultimately with myself that I need help with. Thanks again grace1
Hello dear Sadi!Your words
Hello dear Sadi!Your words touched me as I read them. As well as joining a fellowship group I would also suggest some reading around the subject of love/sex addiction, there are many book titles out there that may help you to gain further clarity. My path sounds very much like yours and it is only in my 40th year on this earth have I finally understood why I have continually been in abusive relationships but unable to leave them. It is refreshing to finally make sense of what has repeatedly happened. Best to you in peace & love
Attraction isn't a black and
Attraction isn't a black and white issue even for us addicts. However you seem to be too hard on yourself. As long as you haven't crossed the line then you are OK imo. I also find some members of the fellowship and others physically attractive. Does this meanit is going anywhere? Absolutely not. I have committed to my relationship and a day at a timeI seem to be staying sober. However the addiction is powerful so I am no means complacent. I would suggest that you focus prayers for the health wealth and happiness of the object of your obsession. It won't do the person any harm and may do you some good. We are recovering addicts not demi-Gods or saints. I have however heard of people in the fellowship starting relationships after a long period of friendship, even heard the rumour of a wedding. So don't be too hard on yourself. Surrender to your powerlessness over you thoughts and feelings and focus on how you can be happier in realtime not fantasy land.
Love vs. love addiction?
Love vs. love addiction? I just realized I suffer from love addiction thanks to your website. I
feel happy to finally identify what has been wrong with me all these years and why I go through such pain in my relationships with men. I was psychologically abused as a young teenager by my Mother and ever since I
remember
I fall madly in "love" with unavailable man and I obsess over them. I
just
broke up with my husband of 6 years. We both fell madly in "love" with
each other at first sight. This was the first time I experienced falling in "love" as a mutual thing. We started to live together straight away
and we got married after a relative short period of time. I think my
husband is also a love addict and probably suffers of either borderline
disorder or bipolar disorder. After the honeymoon period of our
relationship, he started to abuse me psychologically. I was madly in
"love" with him and I was not able to protect myself from his abuse
because I was to afraid of being abandoned and unloved. So I let
things get worse and worse and worse. I now understand I was addicted
to
him. I can finally understand why I let him abuse me. After walking away
from my Mother's abuse I wondered how I ended up being abused again.
And this time by my own choice! After six years of abuse the "love" ended
and I walked away. Almost immediately I fell in love with a new man. I
then
started to suspect something was wrong. I fell in love with him without really knowing him. I now understand, he was my
new addiction. The new man told me clearly that he is not interested in
me but I just cant let go.....you must know the story well. I am in so much pain again. I been reading sharings on the website and I feel it helps me a lot. It has helped me understand that what I am going though is an illness produced by my mothers abuse. I have understood that I do not really love the man I get involved with but that I become addicted to them. This is
the first time I write and I share my thoughts on my addiction. I found
out through your website about meetings in my area and I will start
attending them as soon as possible. I am so much looking forward to
recovery. Thank god I found out what my problem is. I just have a
question for you. What is healthy love? How does it develop? (not that
I ever been bless with feeling it) How thus one distinguish between
love and love addiction? If I look back at my life I think that every
single one of my relationships with partner have unfortunately, been
nothing but an addiction. I wonder....what is true love? What is a health relationship? Thanks.
Thanks for your post Sadi I
Thanks for your post Sadi I think for me health love is knowing where I finish and my partnerstarts. I identified with a lot of your share but I was also love avoidant and used sex with many partners as a way of not totally merging. In some ways my sexual acting out was a strange way of protecting myself but I suppose I felt if I didn't totally commit to my partner then his leaving me would not hurt as much. He actually only really strayed from me once about 9 years ago and I went through total and complete withdrawal. It was the worst and the best thing that ever happened to me. I did get back with him afterI had gotten to the stage of letting go. My Higher Power did for us a couple what we could never do for ourselveslet go and then reconnect as somewhat mature adults. I think for me the epitomy of healthy love and relationships is the desire and trust in someone but the surety that I could live without them. I know for sure that I would be sad if myrelationship ended. Yet I would not implode as I did in the past. I have my fellowships, my Higher Power and my friends in various 12 step fellowships that I know I can rely on. Most importantly I know that I can rely on my own abilities to survive and have a good life. I wish you well.