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Will this get better?
I miss my ex today. I have put my rose tinted glasses on a couple of times and remembered the tender times but to be honest the were few and far between. The majority of the time it was fits and anger and emotional distance. I don't know why I miss that but I suppose it feels safe to be in that place. Because that's all I knew as a child. He allows me to be a child. Have met some inspirational people in recovey but at the moment I want to be in a meetingf all the time! I am missing the people and the safety I feel from their stories of recovery. I feel very alone for the first time in ages. And like I'm boring without my addiction. I am so scared of it coming back and not being able to fight it off. I feel like the most irresponsible person in the world. Have no money, no friends that I like or are reliable. Love always allowed me to not take any responsibility for my life. I don't know what I like to do, who I am or what I want from a relationship or life. Will this get better?
Don't be so hard on yourself
Don't be so hard on yourself desperatetoletgo. You are doing just fine just for today. Even the worst partner and worstrelationship has it's good points but you have started your recovery process and whether you choose to think about your ex or not is all part of the process. I was thinking about my own relationship with my partner of nearly 30 years and was trying to separate the disease from the good parts. I know through painful experience that I cannot control another human being nor would I want to today. I am really trying to live one day at a time. I appreciate the many fine qualities that both I and my partner have and I can also appreciate the many positives of our relationship. However today I choose not to be blind to the negatives that have happened either. Just for today the positives of remaining with my partner outweigh the negatives in that I feel I am able to recover and grow within the relationship. If I felt otherwise then maybe I might make other choices but today things are good and that must be recognised. I am fairly impressionable, why would I not be? So I need to be careful in listening to others sharing that I do not adopt their recovery process as the one that is good for me. It might be but I do need to remember that everyone recovering in the fellowship is doing just that....recovering and that their experience,strengths and hopes are theirs not mine. I have my own path and my higher power will reveal it to me when I need to know what to do. I have been evaluating my relationship quite a lot since I joined slaa and it is helping me to take off those "rose-tinted" glasses just for a day at a time. I am intent with the help of my higher power never to abdicate my responsibility for me or my recovery and I know that even if I do give my power over to people, prestige, things or ideas then with the help of my higher power they can be restored to me. Self belief has been difficult for me. However daily it gets more assured and I only have to believe in myself and my ability to break unhealthy dependency on others/behaviours one day at a time. I might not be able to do it forever but just for today I can. The thing I am realising is that beneath the masks most people are addicted to something or somebody be it drugs, sex, money, prestige. I am grateful that I am beginning to break out of the denial.