I have lived with so many secrets for so long I find it hard to confront them, but confront them I will; I am determined to stop this addictive habit of a lifetime.I have been unfaithful in every relationship I have ever been in over a forty-year period, starting from my first sexual relationship at fourteen. I have had a small number of steady girlfriends, a partner and a wife in this period without a gap between them, going straight from one relationship to another. Yet in the same period I have had 100’s of affairs - sometimes multiple of up to three in the same time frame. My girlfriends/ partner/wife never knew of any of them and I have told no one - I have never confided in a soul - I am far to ashamed of my behaviour to share these secrets with someone I know.The majority of these affairs were with friends of my other half’s or other half’s of friends of mine – neighbours – colleagues at work – people I met at social events - the others, random strangers. I never misled them into thinking I was single most knew the current girlfriend. They were all just physical relationships that usually run a course of several months and petered out. I was always concerned that they did not doing anything to jeopardise their relationships – probably because I did not want the guilt or the fallout. I am a relatively shy person and do not have a lot of self-confidence or self-worth and fear rejection - I am sure anyone reading the above will find that hard to believe. I have no idea why these people would want to have a relationship with me and I cannot understand what they could possibly see in me – but I cannot say no. It is obviously not their fault it must be me and I must have initiated or encouraged it – they are not to blame only me.I suppose it is the fact that someone actually wants you – the excitement of ‘love’- but after the first flush of the affair I find the physical side of which I was passionate about becomes a mechanical chore. I would carry on seeing them until they got fed up I have never been able to end it myself. I have drawn a line in the sand so many times and tried to change but to no avail now I feel I am running out of beach to draw that line. It has really hit me over the last few months, since the death of my Mother - what she would have thought of my secret life and the fear that my past will bring shame on my wife and children. I do not care for my own sake I have little regard for myself, or my life – but I am too much of a coward to do anything rash. Since discovering SLAA I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to analyse why I am the way I am – I have still not got up the courage to go to a meeting but will try again this week. I have found this confession depressing and cathartic at the same time – Am I alone is their hope for me I feel that I am the only one like this