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What helps?
I have been trying to get better for years, I have in no way been slacking off I just don't know what I have to do to get any better. Im on a waiting list now to get a phycologist hopefully, but its taking too long. What can I do to help myself? I think so much into everything and don't make decisions without thinking them through too much most of the time and still everything I do seems to turn out to be the wrong thing or make things not any better, if not worse. There was problems in my relationship from the start, I guess I started the relationship because I was scared of being on my own, but it didn't end up to be just that way. All that time (a year and a half) I was trying to get better but wasn't managing to get anywhere, I think because I was still in the relationship I was depending on that and wasn't able to depend on myself more. but a couple of months my boyfriend quite rightly got sick of waiting for anything to get any better and not seeing any improvement and split up with me. Since then it has been better because I've been more independant and looked after and done things for myself a lot more. But I find myself running after him and doing everything I can for him because I still really hope if I can get better theres a chance we could get back together and he says there could be. But Im not coping with that so well anymore, Im just putting so much in, getting nothing back and getting really upset about it. Whats the best thing to do with that situation? Im just so angry that I tried so hard to get better and couldn't and this stupid thing has ruined what we could have had, he used to try to be so patient and helpful with me and I can see that his attitude towards me has completely changed now. But yeah I've read a million articles describing to me whats wrong with me (most of them end up with me crying about it) and can't find anything concrete on what I could actually do about it, just stupid vague things like recovery is a process. Of course it is but what exactly can I do to start that processes.
Hi,Can I first say that I
Hi,Can I first say that I totally identify with the way you have described your behaviour and deeply sympathise. What you describe is a complete mirror of the way I haveConducted relationships in the past and I know how destructive and soul destroying it is.You said you have been trying to get better, can I ask how you tried? What methods youused?Second, you asked how you begin the process, its actually quite simple although ironically incredibly hard and painful. The bottom line is you need to work the 12 steps, you need to get to meetings, you need to get yourself a sponsor and you need to begin some really serious readingof the great literature that is out there. To be honest I don't know any other way but all theabove help me so much. I think the key, in my experience is a really strong step 1 which a great sponsor will be able to work with you on and really explore the root of the issues. It may sound stupid to you but recovery really is a process and there is no quick fix solution in my experience.Also with regards to the therapy, make sure you see someone with extensive training in the field of addictionand SLA as these are the ones that will truly help.I am really happy to talk more about any of the above should you want to, I am no expert but can and am happy to share my experience with you.In the meantime I wish you well and hope to hear from you.L.
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your reply. To try to get better over the last couple of years I tried to be able to spend more time on my own. I used to not be able to spend more than five or six hours in my flat by myself without ending up crying and shaking just because I didn't like it and was scared to be on my own. Its not even anything like the personality I was born with I used to be incredibly independant and not be scared to do anything by myself. Any little thing I was scared to do but managed to I saw as an achievement but it wasn't close to being enough to actually be better. I was always trying to see my boyfriend less and tell myself that having friends was important and I had to put more effort into making them but any little friendships I had I always ended up neglecting and putting everything I had into trying to fix my relationship and the only problem with it was me and my needs from relationships. I was always so so scared of being hurt or betrayed I think I even subconciously tried to hurt him when I had drank too much though all he did was love me. I was so scared of not having the relationship because I needed it and couldn't imagine how I would cope or what my life would be like without it. I guess all the things I was trying to do to make myself better were just things I was trying to do to fix the relationship. And now hes given up on it, not only am I struggling with; myself, the problems of not having the relationship I depended on, being alone, having to do things on my own a lot more and not having anyone there for me but I also don't know what to do with my feelings for him. I can't let go of the fact that there might be a chance if I can get better. Should I be trying to stop loving him? He says we can still be friends, but it upsets me when I see him as just a friend because I don't want to be just friends with him, it upsets me when I don't see him because I miss him and when I see him and do still kiss him or sleep with him and that does make me feel better, though it just complicates things even more. So should I trying to see him as a friend or should I not be seeing him at all? I have no idea what the best thing for me to be doing is. I can't go to any meetings because I live in Glasgow and there are none anywhere near me. I have looked for literature many times and found nothing, could you recommend some to me please? I can easily admit that my life has become unmanageable and it has been for a long time. I can understand that it is a process but I don't understand what I am supposed to do in that process to get any better because I have been trying for getting close to two years and gotten nowhere it feels. Most of the twelve steps are turning it over to God and asking him to help you through it. I have avoided doing that because when I try to pray or go to church or anything really bad things have happened in the past and when I stopped praying about it they have stopped happening. Im scared of anything like that happening again. Most of the people I know aren't religeous they seem to get by fine without it why do I need it just to try to be normal? And why is it that when I do try to look for help from God he allows that to happen? I am sorry this is so long, I probably couldn't face reading it all myself, thank you if you do I really appreciate any help I can find.
It does seem a bit backwards
It does seem a bit backwards doesn't it, I thought so at the time, but really you are not going to do this alone, that isn't the way. It is tempting to think that God is the tooth fairy, you ask - He gives. Recovery is really God telling you what to do and hopefully you following the advice. He does it through others who have been there first. And it's not in the slightest bit like church, thank goodness.You fix yourself first and either the relationship will get fixed, or you might not need it any more.
Hi Star, Have you
Hi Star, Have you considered a having a phone sponser? i think it would really help. Maybe u can attend meetings now and then when posible. good luck