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The temptation is awful...
I had a quick look at the definition of Complusion;an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, esp. against one'sconscious wishesAnd is the urge irresistable ? Yes! Very! Take now for instance... I am on the net, and the urge to go to the sites I used to is there but I am holding off... and the urge to do DIY (and I am not referring to painting etc) is there as well... again I am holding off... I have though since waking up tidied the kitchen put the washing and had a shower, I sit here now in the spare room (where all my clothes are) and I am about to sort them out and get the room into a tidy state... All this to try and get my mind off the bad behaviour of my past actions... to attempt to rework how I behave... how my mind thinks about what is and isnt acceptable.When I think back to my late teens I remember a young man who was so naive - I didnt lose my virginity till I was 22!! Masterbation wasn't the issue that it is with me today... I had interests away from Sex. I rode a racing push bike, I ran loads, played football caught up with friends and went out for drinks (without getting hammered) also went to the movies... had late breakfasts in the trendy bars in Leicester (my home town).But here I am. A relationship ended (although I live in hope...) an ex who hates me... who thinks I am disgusting because of what I have done. I know I have done wrong... but I personally think there are a few different sides to who makes up me as a person. he caring son, brother and uncle. The friend who is liked by many and then there is the sex addict, the side of me that craves that high of he climax... the thrill of surfing sites showing women in action... When I think though about how it use to be, I remember something my Mum said to me after she found my Mayfair, Knave magazine collection 'Michael, you need to know that women in the real world aren't like they way they're shown in these magazines'. In some way my mum was right. A word I keep using is wholesome. I don't at all feel the way I have behaved as being wholesome... its certainly disgusted my now ex girlfriend the way I have behaved. And all for what?? A quick thrill?? Well I am a little bit happier as my beloved Liverpool FC have just scored!!! That will help take my mind away from bad actions. I want to change. I want to be a better person. I am not this disgusting monster that my ex girlfriend thinks I am.The repairing of 'Me' has begun internally. Even though some people see me now as a monster. I just have to live in hope that maybe just maybe people can begin to see that I am taking the steps necessary to make change within me possible.One swallow doesn't make a summer.. but its a start!I am Michael in the North West and I have a problem. And I am determined for it not to ruin my life and destroy me even more that it has.
Hi LostGirl Thanks for your
Hi LostGirl Thanks for your reply, I agree that the more feedback you can get from people in a similar situation the better.Yes, the novelty is wearing off for me....I had 2 AMAZING weeks where I felt great, started to engage with real life,and even to the exztent of having loving sex with my wife that felt incredible, like a new life. But then theseextreme lows started to kick in, feels like real depression, like all the hidden stuff is on the surface after all these years (since I was 10 I have hidden this stuff) and there's nothing to relieve it. I have literally no access to any porn or chatroom sites, whichhas to be a good thing, but cold turkey is hard, epecially when everything around us is using sex to sell a happy lifestyle,whether it's possessions or vitamins or whatever.....so it feels like we are all trying to detatch ourselves from what the rest of the world sees as normal.Anyway, am going to my first meeting tonight, am totally terrified and strangely exhilarated at the same time...I think talkingthis stuff out in person and hearing others do the same might help.Thanks again for your kind message and good luck. Liam, London
Hi Liam, I completely agree
Hi Liam, I completely agree with what you said about what the rest of the world see's as normal. I know that sex/porn etc in itself isn't bad, just the reasons behind our use of it and it resulting in screwing our lives up over it. I wish you the very best of luck in your meeting tonight, I should imagine you're nervous about speaking but even if you just attend the first few times to listen it will probably benefit you, then as you feel more comfortable you can do some talking of your own. I wish there were meetings in my area :( Make sure you come back and tell me how it went :)
Thanks for your post. It
Thanks for your post. It seems to me that the sex instinct is so powerful that Nature allocates for many animals only limited access to it and turns them on and off with great precision. As the animals near the human species then the structures of their relationships are more complex and still very regulatory so far as their sex instinct is expressed. Mankind of course appears to have stepped out of Mother Nature's protection around sex expression and we can be on heat at any time. So along comes religious law and then civil law to try to regulate our behaviour and insulate our forces to mitigate any potential for melt down. The 12 Step approach has taught me that my problems are around my instincts - social, security and sex - and that I have to learn about social intercourse and sexual intercourse and that my security instinct is the referee and arbiter of good taste, legality and of course fun as the two intercourses are kept distinct and appropriately apart. As a man trying to utilise spiritual grid references to map out my survival in the 21st century, previous heroes sometimes leave me a little bereft of hope. Hercules threw himself onto his own funeral pyre after his wife turned to the occult to try to reconnect his libido with hers after he had decided to become celibate. Samson was undone by Delila, John the Baptist was destroyed by Salome and on and on. Muhammed was allowed up to 8 wives by Allah so that he should not have any difficulty in this area of his personal expression as his mission unfolded, a dispensation not allowed to ordinary mortals (thank goodness!) Many spiritual ways seem eventually to have a low regard for the carnal element of the soul and require that sex energy be transmuted: except of course the Tantric Way that expects everything to serve the sex energy. So, how to change troublesome behaviour? How to unstick stuck 'off' switches and turn off switches that only know the 'turned on' position? If I knew, I wouldn't be here of course! I trust the 12 Step programme and know that being able to share my problems is a great releaser of shame and a way to right size my behaviour. I must not minimise nor catastrophise - I can of course do both with great skill! I wrestle with my inner triggers, I read the basic text, I try to attend meetings as regularly as I can and I note the subtle changes in my inner landscape when I haven't been to a meeting for a while. I await the Universe to show me the sponsor that I need and in the meantime work my 13 year sobriety AA experience the best way I can within this my new SLAA Fellowship. Just for today, I have avoided signing up with an internet dominatrix for email training and for that I am truly grateful and £90 richer! Why would I want to in the first place? I no longer need to analyse too much, just need to know that that behaviour is not the ideal that I wish to revolve my life around and that I have learned from my past experiences and can change with help and honesty. I have looked at no sites away from my bottom lines I have hope in my life and balance and see my behaviours and troubles in a right size manner. Good luck and God bless - love to you.
Hi Michael, you're doing so
Hi Michael, you're doing so well, don't give up! I think this site helps loads, just writing eases it a bit, and helps others who have the same problems realise that they aren't alone. I know what you mean about doing everything you can to distract yourself, that's why I'm reading so bloody much, but I'm starting to get pretty sick of that to be honest. What sites are you trying to keep yourself busy on, like social networking sites? They can be fun, but the lure of the other sites can be hard to resist. If only there was some kind of cognitive therapy, like as soon as you think of going on those sites, you associate it with something that you hate the most, and over time your brain will come to associate swinging sites etc with that thing.....the pessimist in me thinks yeah right!! I hope you've had a good weekend and not taken a bite of that damn forbidden apple!
Liam, London Hi Michael,
Liam, London Hi Michael, just to echo the statement above, sounds like you're doing very well under tremendous pressure....I am just embarking on this journey myself. Have just started lapsing again after the initial euphoria at how I was going to be a new person wore off....my wife has a tracker on both our computers so I can't go to porn sites, but I've discovered some cyber stuff on Myspace. I think these social networking sites are a pretty dangerous temptation for people in our kind of predicament so, whilst I agree with LostGirl that they can be fun (and I have good, meaningful relationships with men and women on there) it can easily escalate into cybersex and all that might go with it.....for me, it's the non - engagement that's so compelling (I'm terrified of real sex with other women, or indeed any sexual "chemistry" or "tension"), and the net and chatrooms like YouPorn play right into that.Ah well, enough about me, hope you're holding up...you too LostGirl, have read your posts and they sound equally heartbreaking.Good luck everyone!
Hi Liam, welcome and thanks
Hi Liam, welcome and thanks for posting. I know for me the more I post and the more others reply, the more encouraged and supported I feel. Agreed, the temptation on those sites can be easy to give in to, especially if you're having a bad day, you think f*ckit, why not. But then you're falling back into the ways we are all trying so hard to avoid! I've been better than I actually thought I'd be, but then again it's like you said, when you first embark upon becomming this new improved person, it feels great, like you're doing something positive for your own future and relationships, but then the novelty of 'being good' will start to wear off(it's what I'm dreading as I'm avoiding any kind of situation that'll get me into trouble like the plague)and you start craving the feelings it gives you. All my life I've been this way, and this is the first time I've tried to be any different as it was only in these past few months that I actually realised that I was even a sex addict! It;s hard to know where to start, and if you have no real support, it's so easy to slip back into the ways you've known your whole life. Do you have support? Does your wife know ALL the gory details and understand your problem? It's so hard on the ones we love as we aren't just hurting ourselves, we hurt them too and that kiils us even more. I hope you continue doing as well as you have, well done for reaching out and keep in touch, let us know how it goes :)
I have just decided to come
I have just decided to come onto this website today as ive woken up with a hangover after sleeping with yet another friend and i feel so disgusting and this has to stop! But how? am i just going to isolate myself from the outside world? end all social interaction? am i meant to give up ALL sex? I LOVE sex, when it's right there is simply no better thing in the world, i dont want to give it up, i just want the compulsive self destructive behaviour to stop! ie. I want to stop compulsively sleeping with people when im supposed to be in a relationship. Is the answer just to not be in a relationship? This is so confusing :-(
Hi Brokengirl sorry your in
Hi Brokengirl sorry your in such a bad place but as the saying goes "if youkeep doing what your doing you will keep getting what your getting". Noone is saying you have to give up all sex forever. It is not a requirement formembership of slaa. If it was I wouldnt be a member. However it is suggestedthat if your in a relationship you only have sex with your partner and if not in a relationship then fix your bottom line behaviour and stick to it. You need to go to some meetings. Remember to take what you like from the meeting and leave the rest. Some people will say things that is right for them but wrong for you. You will learn to discern the difference between good sharing and people who are extreme in their views. I am a member of another fellowship as well and I must say I am glad I got to it before slaa. It enabled me to place boundaries for myself and also others in the fellowship. No one should judge or dictate howeverif someone says something helpful then it would be unwise in my opinion to ignore it. You do need to get to meetings though in my opinion. Best wishes and you are not alone.