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Major Setback Last Night
My ex came over last night(we've been split for a couple of months) He decided to dropin as he is working in my area.He also decided 'to be honest with me' and tell me he has been chatting to a girl in Birmingham on the net and will probably meet up and you know what with her becasue he needs it! I mean, thanks for being honest, but please, did I need to hear that? I don't want to know what he's bloody getting up to, especially as I'm fighting with my own demons, it's shocked me how much hearing that upset me, cried myself to sleep last night.My resolve to persevere with this has been damaged, I really want to go out and say f*ckit and do the same thing, but then I'll be repeating behaviours that I really wanted to stop. God it hurts. The only thing that makes it all go away is sex, drugs or alcohol. Even if it's only for a short while it'd be worth it. He said "I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset or make you angry" What the hell did he think I'd feel and do, jump for joy and do friggin cartwheels?? Why did he feel the need to tell me that?? I don't even know why I'm posting here, I just hurt and don't know how to deal with it, by talking to people who are in the same position as me, maybe get some help from you guys. :(
Hi again LostGirlI am sure
Hi again LostGirlI am sure this will be of little consolation, but this guy is probably going through something similar to us....sex on demand via the internet creates this kind of nightmare consumer culture, like....who do I want to shag, blonde, dark, asian? It's like a supermarket, and it just makes everything worse.....like real supermarkets, too much choice in everything. And no real depth to it. I think the fact he told you means that he's not doing it for the right reasons.I am sorry to hear you're hurting over this, but getting through this hurdle may make you stronger as it's an even bigger challenge. I definitely feel like the longer a person can stay off all this stuff, the less need there is for it....like any drug I guess.Good luck.
Hey Liam, and thanks for
Hey Liam, and thanks for your reply. I know he has problems of his own and that he's doing it for the wrong reasons, and that is fine, but why tell me about it when he knows I'm doing my hardest not to repeat my own behaviours?! It just takes it back to the reason we split, we met on an adult site, and from then on triggered each other off constantly for the next 5 years. I recently woke up and smelt my own roses, plus his(what a nice mental image) and realised it couldn't go on like that anymore. Life's too short for destructive relationship after destructive relationship. I'm sick of being me, I want to change the person I am, or alter the way I deal with things and it's impossible when there's two of you bouncing off each other...Something had to give. I'm bored already, and I'm starting to HATE weekends as there's too much time and nothing to bloody do. Oh woe is me! Hope your meeting goes well tonight, have a great weekend :)
Hi LostGirl, I realise now
Hi LostGirl, I realise now te difficlty of your situation, and sorry if i blundered into some of what I said. I went to a meeting last night; basically we all just spoke for a bit about our situations, only 6 of us altogether so no hiding for me! Anyhow, having slept on it I realise it was an incredible experience for me to just talk to other people in such a candid way. I guess they were all regulars and seemed to be mre familiar with the format of things, but it was still very friendly without being at all pressurising. Maybe if you can't get to a meeting it would be worth starting your own....even if you can get to one, however far away, I am sure you would be convinced of its value. Good luck :)
Hey, don't sweat it, you
Hey, don't sweat it, you wern't to know! I'm glad you got something good out of the meeting, will you be going again? Did any of them offer any useful suggestions? I did think about starting my own, but not sure how to go about it, and would I be the only one turning up every time as no-one would know about it? God I'm so bored. The boredom is killing me. The boredom is what starts the things I do! What else is there to do when it's peeing down with rain, other than go online, drink, and feel sorry for yourself...not good to do when in our position. I'm even getting on my own nerves how rubbish I'm feeling. Is it supposed to be like this? Argh!
Yeah, raining here
Yeah, raining here too....luckily I have a few housey things that I need to do....very grown up, feels weird even doing that kind of thing...I'm going to sound like an old fart now but...I like going out for a walk when boredom sets in, just to get out into the world. The best thing about that meeting was seeing people face to face and not typing and being anonymous (ha ha....sorry!).So, yes, I will go again, alhough won't be able to go to that particular one much cos of the day it's on...Making things more real by someone else witnessing them and you seems to make a big difference to how I see my actions.Don't mean to sound all smug (I'm the last one who should be!) but, if I couldfollw my own advice, that's what I would do....Ah well, I feel for you and hope things get better :)
Hi Liam, thanks for your
Hi Liam, thanks for your reply. Not feeling a whole heap better admittedly but I expect it's normal and will settle down when everything else settles down. It's really silly because I miss and crave the intimacy and closeness, but at the same time it scares the living crap out of me, maybe because of past experiences I don't know. But I'm going to have to get some proper help for that, I can't spend my life going round in this circle of inappropriateness because I want to avoid putting my trust in someone. Maybe when Christmas and new year has begun I'll have more money to spend on councelling, hey you never know, a new year, a new me. Hope next year is a better year for you to, and everyone reading this. :)