Well its nearly a year since I wrote about having some of the worst days of my life. I have tried hard to be positive, to take care of myself to read and learn and grow from my experiences. Well nothings helping, I have seen my sex addict ex against my better judgement, in the vain hope that he was sincere and that his actions would finally match his words. Of course he stayed true to type and so incidentally did I. I scared him away with my barely hidden neediness, desperation and insecurity. After nearly three years with him and his impossible to count affairs, addiction to porn, chat rooms and sex sites I feel jaded, dull, boring, ugly, fat, unattractive and more alone than I have ever felt in my life and I definitely have been very alone. I think about ending my life each and everyday because life seems so pointless, just full of pain and hurt and nothing. I am nearly 40, live alone, have no children, I have just become an Aunty and then realised that I have just become a spinster aunt...it would be funny if it were not my life. All around me I see families, couples, happiness..am not sure I have EVER experienced pure unadulterated joy, have never truly experienced somebody loving me for me. I do not wish to enter another relationship for fear of the person I would end up involved with, and am now not sure what I have to offer. Each day is the same I go to work alone, come home alone and go to bed alone, I dread putting the key in the door because I know nobodys there. Sometimes I wonder how I hold things together, I just need a hug and for someone to tell me everythings going to be ok....but I really dont think it will be. My eating disorder is very bad at the mo...and I cant stop spending..but have picked up some lovely bits!!!! Hey I still have my sense of humour!!! I have thought of going onto those sites my ex was so obsessed with to find a NSA purely sexual relatonship but that is so not me, but at least I would be connecting with someone and it would be clear what was on offer. I still love my ex and think of him when I wake and before I sleep, I often dream about him, he treats me with contempt. I do have friends but feel embarrassed to burden them with my woes so act like all is ok. Have had some superb counselling but that has finished now...am going to join an SLAA group. Hope that will help.