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wish I hadn't realised I'm a love addict
I've been struggling in what seems like a very supportive relationship with a self-confessed sex addict who has similar issues to mine - we were both left by a parent as children. I've been reading and practicing techiniques (transactional analysis, emotional freedom technique, zpoint) and working on myself and we've been helping each other to dig into and address what's making us tick, and what's stopping us ticking properly. But it's got so intense and yes I recognise that I'm sick when I don't see him, and he has a lover in France who he spends 8 days a month with,which I hate. My fantasy is that he will leave her and marry me. Because by then we will both be healed. Writing it it really looks pathetic. I'm just another woman in that mistress trap. But we are painfully honest with each other and unlike many men I read about in this sort of position he is not in denial and nor am I - I hope not anyway. But I recognise that it's twisting me out of alignment and that the sex is compulsive even though he says he'd be much happier if we would drop the sex - and we try to with limited success - because he recognises too that it sidetracks us from our aim of sorting out our heads. But he acts like a lover whether we have sex or not and I get confused and stuck in it and go off into my fantasies of happily ever after again. Oh stuck in my head with all of this and at the same time it stops me functioning properly. I'd really appreciate some feedback from you who have more experience and understanding of this: it's the first time I've dared to apply the word addiction to myself though my sister has seemed to be obsessed with it, laying the label on everyone and herself a codependent, a debt addict, and I don't know what esle. I hate it and I hate that it seems I am one too. And I hate most of all that to fix myself I might have to stop seeing that man who despite this horrible tangle has all the qualities I have ever looked for in a partner - except of course availability, which is par for the course. Oh help
blue sky Dear LTS, I have
blue sky Dear LTS, I have been in the place of your man, ie having a wife and mistress. I was very up front with the mistress but not the wife. I really got off on the whole thing of having two women but what I could not do was truely love either of them. In the end I told my wife and dropped the mistress which caused a lot of pain all round which I am still having to face with my wife nearly a year later. Please face it, a man can not love two women at once. You say you hate him going to see the other woman for eight days a month. Face it that he is not really loving you. I would suggest asking him to choose between you. If he chooses you, and sticks to it then work it out together. If he chooses her, it's though but you learn the truth of who he loves. As a man, trust me, he is not worth it if he is not yours 100%.
re: wish I hadn't realised
re: wish I hadn't realised I'm a love addict
Dear LongTallSally,
Despite the difficulties you describe your insight and willingness to examine the issues are a real asset. Indeed, you appreciate the compulsive aspects that taint time spent with your partner to the point where you feel it may be necessary to end the relationship. That's very brave.
Unavailable partners stimulate the compulsive tendencies that surround love addiction. When the excitement of sex has worn off or has abated due to absence, the longing kicks in and with it, unbearable emotional distress which we may try to anaesthetise with sexual fantasy or promiscuity.
Often the painful feelings surrounding love addiction are accompanied by a sense of worthlessness made even more toxic by our fantasies; inventing scenarios of our partners with other people that only serve to intensify the agony that seems endless. It's a form of masochism and yet, even though it is obvious what needs to be done, the fear of being alone and unloved is stronger than the reality which is often very much the same; that feeling of being alone and unloved, albeit within relationship.
As you state at the beginning of your message, a parent left you when younger. I'm sure you've looked at the issues surrounding this, but it does suggest the seeking out of someone but in the back of your mind there's the expectation that they won't stay. It's an old story, that affects many of us, but it doesn't have to be played out this way for the rest of your life.
In fellowship, we learn to identify these patterns of behaviour, we learn to maintain healthy boundaries and we learn to recognise the sort of people we have been attracted to and, rather than repeat the same old dance. we learn, in time, to make better choices.
Given all the work you're prepared to do on examining your relationship, it seems that by sending this message what you are really ready for is to do work on yourself. The fellowship will support you in this endeavour as you will find people in similar situations working at nurturing themselves and moving away from painful and unsatisfactory relationships or bitter attitudes towards them.
The goal is to lead more fulfilling lives that are not blighted by acting on compulsive thoughts. That is the main difference between a person in fellowship and one who is not. Compulsive thoughts don't disappear, but self control is learned and we can avoid the depressing consequences of acting on these thoughts and gain strength in doing so.
It goes without saying that people who are drawn to this fellowship are in distress, but beyond those first steps that involve admitting there is a problem and attending meetings for help, you'll find there are those who are in this fellowship because it supports them in remaining free from the distress that had brought them there in the first place. They keep coming back because, over time, the fellowship offers what they originally came looking for, serenity.
I hope this helps,
Narcissus
If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.
Thank you. Are there
Thank you. Are there meetings in Norwich?
I suppose there must be degrees of addiction because I don't recognise some of the things you mention above or that other people mention - or am I still in denial?
What are the 30 questions that people mention working through, please?
Actually what I'm not is
Actually what I'm not is unloved (as you say above). This guy is there for me no matter what I do, which amazes me, and says he'll stick by me through all my acting out and my insecurity and not 'go into his cave' as he calls it (which I call buggering off - or, more to the point, my frightening him off). Which until this moment I have found admirable and wonderful but now I wonder would he be getting off on that for some reason of his own.? Is that sex/love addict behaviour? What he says is that it has always been his pattern to have two women, one actively his partner and the other on the back burner and he's making the biggest effort to change that - which is why no sex - and he has a compassion and a kindness which has me hooked but he's not, as far as I can see, playing games and if he is accused of or suspects that he is he's always ready to act on it. No hero, but really trying hard. Is my feeling of connection with him only addiction? It is I think a real love and friendship horribly complicated by the addiction issue. God this is all so messy
Again I can identify with
Again I can identify with the confusion. Have been agonizing this week over my relationship too.
From a series of events in arranging to meet up with her it suddenly dawned on me, how desperate I am to see her. Certainly excited by the prospect of spending time with her. And it has been a month since we saw one another last. But even more that I will feel whole and content when with her and not empty and hollow as I do now.
Its tragic. When did I loose myself in this? At what point did my relationship with her change? Where at first I felt in control, her chasing me and feeling flattered by the attention. To now, where I'm frightened to pay her a compliment or expose myself to her. For fear of her seeing me as weak.
Or for fear of her feeling that the thrill of the chase has ended and now we are discovering the real us. And she will be frightened away by that. We literally speak everyday, always with her calling me or chasing me up. Which leaves me confused? How do I doubt her feelings when she makes the effort to reach out to me? (or is she emotionally needy too?) And why do I doubt her desire to physically see me? (as stated - she lives some distance away from London).
I think my compulsion and addiction is towards affection. Of any kind, love, sex, romance, companionship. However I don't feel I'll at ease on my own. I feel most ill at ease when in a relationship as I'm constantly doubting its going to last. And that all that the woman in my life wants is sex and my attention!
Your right Sally, its time to take action. For me I'm spoilt for choice (!) in London. So am planning on attending my first meeting this Tuesday. Actually looking forward it....with a certain amount of trepidation thrown in for good measure!
Jack
'Nunc Coepi' - 'Now I begin'
Hi Jack You could be writing
Hi Jack
You could be writing my story. When I read
'all that the woman in my life wants is sex and my attention' I laughed out loud, because that's exactly what I want from my man - but what would you want her to be after that's different? What do you want her to want? A very useful person I've come across is xxxxxx who turns your questions around so you're looking at yourself and not the other - it really calms me down when I get in a state about P not paying me enough attention or not making me feel secure etc - have a look. Well done going to a group - I look forward to hearing about it.
Going drumming now - one good thing from getting into SLAA is it's made me realise how I've been neglecting my friends and other activities and so far I've had a brilliant weekend doing stuff with other people and really enjoying it.
Go well
Sally
Wow, great comments on this
Wow, great comments on this thread. Jack let us know how you get on on Tuesday. No need to worry about a first meeting - there will ALWAYS be people there who will completely understand & not judge.
All the best.
It may denial, but it may
It may denial, but it may just be too much to take on-board in one go, which is why meetings are essential. Things people say resonate with your own experience and although you might actually be hearing the same things from different people, you will connect with some of the sharing from some people more than others.
Also, it's not until you actually start to resist compulsive behaviour that the depths of these difficulties become apparent. This was touched on in reply to the post: New here and finally realised there's a problem
Please forgive any presumptions about your relationship, there is obviously going to be more to it than initially described in your post. However, you mentioned being in the 'mistress trap', which suggested there was not the depth of commitment you desired.
To answer your earlier questions, there does not appear to be a meeting in Norfolk, but they start up all the time and the Starter Kit section of the web site outlines how you can start a meeting yourself. You will also find downloads that include the 40 Questions of Self Diagnosis. Go to: Starter Kit
The 30 questions are something different though. There is a variation of SLAA called the H.O.W concept which is a more disciplined approach to the ideas of the fellowship. In brief, you obtain a sponsor by going to meetings. After seven days of a question a day, to identify what your core issues are, you set your bottom lines – your own specific compulsive behaviours related to sex and love that you feel you have difficulty with and need to refrain from.
Once your bottom lines are set, you phone the sponsor every day for 30 days. You read out your latest answer to the previous day's question and to get the next question for the following day. All the time, refraining from your bottom line behaviour. And before you know it, you've clocked up your first month of sobriety and had a very interesting time along the way, where many of the things mentioned previously are thoughts and feelings you will have actually experienced because you'd have not resorted to compulsive behaviour to smother your feelings and anxieties.
Please look around the website and, in particular, download files from the Starter Kit section, you'll find more information there.
I hope this helps,
Narcissus
If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.