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Guess I need to start somewhere...
I'm 29 years old, music industry professional living in London. And I constantly feel like I'm destined to relive the same pattern out, over and over again. And it scares the hell out of me.Two years ago, after living with a partner for nearly 4 years (a girl who was I suppose, my first serious relationship). Moving round the world with her twice. And after a pattern of her routinely threatening to leave and then promising to never do it again. She finally did...However after the obvious heartbreak, this wasn't the major problem. Sure I realized I was a codependent. It was a time of my awakening from a destructive relationship. But also the dawning of the realization that I more than contributed to the demise of that relationship by being an addict. Not only was I a sex addict, always needing it to feel reassured in my relationship. But addicted to love. The idea of it. The protection and serenity it occasionally provided. My desperation to maintain that in my life helped to push it further away.Since that time a new problem arose. Having been totally faithful to her for the duration of our time together. I suddenly discovered a 'power' within me, a confidence I never knew I had. I realized I had a comfort level and ease with women that I never had as a younger guy. And after a 4 months of melancholy and such, I found new people to lavish my attentions on. And suddenly my first worry of 'I'll-never-find-anyone-like-her-again' vanished......... I've tried psychotherapy before, counseling, and got some relief but never felt like gained any more knowledge...Is this the place I need to come to?
No, you aren't the only one.
No, you aren't the only one. I know that anxiety, that complete absorption in sex, the need for love, to merge with someone and trying so hard and it all goes so well till the bottom drops out. The despair of finding out once again that in some way the current guy is unavailable - god will I ever be attracted to someone who wants me right back in equal solid measure? Actually it has happened and it was BORING. I don't know the answers, Abstractjack, but it's good to know there are others in the same space - well not, actually, it would be best if no-one was in that space, but you know what I mean. Keep writing. I posted my own confession the other day but didn't get a reply, so I've replied to you cos it felt like I'd opened my heart to - nothing.
Wouldn't it just! How much
Wouldn't it just! How much better would it be if we were all just happy people that had happy thoughts, and didnt feel one false move away from disaster!
The thing I have noticed is that on the face of it, a lot of my friends who are in 'stable' long lasting relationships seem miserable! At least from the outside looking in. I see their codependency stop them from being individuals. Don't come out unless its together. Dont have anything to say anymore other than house related topics, tv shows they watched!!?
But the thing that then unhinges me is, that in some small part I strive for that! That sense of security at any rate.
And also my seeming inability to trust my instincts or feelings as they have so often let me down in the past!!
A friend who is an AA counsellor once said to me. Your two people, the confident you and a scared young kid who had to find everything out by himself, (him making reference to my rather absentee parents over the many years!).
And thats most definitely true! Which leaves me in a state of flux when presented with a problem like, 'is this person being too needy of me?', 'am I being too needy from her?', and the all important one, 'is this a bad relationship, or am I just looking too much for my sense of perfection?'.
Your right, when do you find someone who loves you back as much? Or why does it on face value seem so easy for others to stay together when you find it so hard to last any time at all?! Usual helpful responses, 'you werent there for them!', 'you made things too easy!' or 'it was all just based on sex'.
My response has always been stick with it AND the fear, and keep going one day at a time. Which invariably always leads to me NOT ending anything and expecting them to at some point. So you start to wonder are you poisoning it from the outside by thinking...its bound to happen again!!
Sally....it is strangely comforting to know we're not alone though.
I read Narcissus' reply to you, and it was definitely insightful.
Have you managed to go to a meeting yourself yet? I'm sure there are no easy answers....but I would love to go another day without having to feel anymore empty, hollow, gnawing anxiety sometime soon!
Jack
'Nunc Coepi' - 'Now I begin'
Hey jack This is the third
Hey jack
This is the third time I've written this I keep losing it by going to another page or back to where your first letter was. Damn. Anyway to cut a long story short I can really identify with all your self-questioning - 'is this person being too needy of me?' 'am I being too needy from her?' 'is this a bad relationship, or am I just looking too much for my sense of perfection?' etc etc ad nauseam I do it myself and who knows what the answer is? I wish sometimes I was just blissfully unaware like, it seems, most everyone else on this planet listening to the soppy love songs and watching the soppy films and seeing nothing but bliss in them. Seems to me we are ALL sick actually. I don't know.
No I haven'tbeen to a meeting and I'm not sure if there are any where I live - I've asked Narcissus. But I know that when I'm honest and haul out all the crap inside me that I can get a handle on, it helps, no matter how hideous. At least I know what I'm dealing with. Hiding from it has got mewhere I am now. So I'll do it if you'll do it - let's gird our loins - in more ways than one! and take the plunge. That's if there are meetings we can attend. Let me know how you get on.
Sally
Sorry you're feeling let
Sorry you're feeling let down LongTallSally
It seems I was writing you a reply as you were writing yours to AbstractJack. I hope it helps. The on-line communication side of this fellowship is still fairly new, but keep coming back.
Narcissus
If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.
Narcissus Have been reading
Narcissus
Have been reading your posts and they are very helpful, thank you.
I especially identified with the statement:
Often the painful feelings surrounding love addiction are accompanied by a sense of worthlessness made even more toxic by our fantasies; inventing scenarios of our partners with other people that only serve to intensify the agony that seems endless. It's a form of masochism and yet, even though it is obvious what needs to be done, the fear of being alone and unloved is stronger than the reality which is often very much the same; that feeling of being alone and unloved, albeit within relationship.
I have been doing that a lot recently. We (me and the girl I am seeing) both work in media, and as such are apart for weeks at a time. She is coming down to London for a few days soon and the first evening she is spending time with a friend who has flown over for a job from the US for a night. And the next day she is heading over to stay with me for a few days.
However due to her not seeing me first, and her wanting to just hang out with people she hasnt seen in 3 years and spending the evening away without me. Instantly pissed off!!!
As if its a sure sign that this is her simply saying, I would rather spend time with other people than me! Rather than, that she would like to see her friends and spend time with them having not seen them for a long time.
However I then can't stop torturing myself that as I'm not going, and there will be other men there. That its a sure thing that she'll sleep with one of them that night! So I then start planning what I'll be doing that evening, as to be in a similar situation myself, go out somewhere so I'm surrounded by singles and then I know I won't feel so put out. As if surrounding myself with temptation, but abstaining! will make me feel better about myself. Rather than just trusting her.
It baffles me that my rational mind is distorted by this fear and anxiety. We both have histories of infidelity at points in our lives (not with each other so far however). So as such, this is my basis that my fearful mind rationalizes that....
well its only a matter of time before one of us cracks.....
And this is all constructed by me! In my head! Its depressing and stupifying being the architect of your own suffering!!! I would hope it would go away, or disappear as I got older.... but.
How am I going to stop listening to this fear filled internal monologue!!?
Jack
'Nunc Coepi' - 'Now I begin'
Hi AbstractJack, Thank you
Hi AbstractJack,
Thank you for your positive feedback. I've read elsewhere that you'll be attending a meeting soon (why wait until next week?) which is great. You'll benefit more from that experience than my reiterating aspects of the fellowship to you here.
As you live in London, don't forget there are daytime meetings as well as evening ones.
Take care,
Narcissus.
If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.
Thank you - I got your reply
Thank you - I got your reply just after I wrote this. I'll give it some thought and come back to you.