A withdrawal experience from love addiction

There is a powerful and often quoted chapter on withdrawal in the SLAA basic text ..my experience of it has been a long and I have to say very painful process …but I can add the hope that it does slowly get better as each agonising minute turns into an agonising hour then day then week ..day by day  onward …my withdrawal from love addiction was forced upon me by my now ex wife announcing that  she was divorcing me and that it would be non negotiable ..that she did not want to try marriage guidance counselling or couples therapy or any attempts to save our 12 year marriage …quite simply she was closing a steel door on our relationship ..a relationship which also involved our two young children, a large family home ..and two cats! ..our relationship had been in trouble for a long time ..probably from the beginning …but this situation I later found out in meetings is a common way for codependent love addicted relationships to end. My partner was so afraid that I might leave her during any counselling period which would throw her into the intense pain of abandonment that she closed the door completely herself first …knowing either consciously or unconsciously that I would be thrown into abandonment ..which I was ….the pain was unbelievable …beyond anything imaginable …I wanted to chew off my own hands …claw the wallpaper from the walls ..I didn’t eat  for days on end …hardly worked or slept at all.I stopped smoking after 20 years of 20 cigarettes a day and didn’t feel a single craving for a cigarette ..the pain of withdrawal from love addiction obliterated every normal feeling I had.. could have ..or .. wanted to have... everything was sucked into the black hole of my utter emptiness and despair …an indescribable physical pain of yearning and emptiness inhabited the center of my chest...I prayed constantly to God to ease my pain …GIVE HER BACK TO ME …NOW!!! ……NOW !.. NOW!  almost as often I prayed to DIE! right then and there…but my higher power knew that giving me my drug would not be the love I needed so my withdrawal went on day after day…….I couldn’t face the idea of finding a stop gap fix in the form of some other relationship just to postpone my agony or even create a new and greater addiction I didn't want anyone else anayway i wanted HER!  I didn’t want to drink alcohol or take any other drug lest I ruin any chance of reconciliation ..I occasionally masturbated guiltily, I soon learned that this just increased the pain in the following days and in the end gave that up completely along with all other forms of fixing my feelings….I lived endlessly in the raw pain.. if I could have had her back even for a minute I would have caved in ..there was no noble struggle against my addiction ….no self loving abstinence from my drug …if I could have had her back I would have succumbed in a second!!!! …my addicted self like a caged animal snarling and biting at the unforgiving bars to my fix..i didn’t know at that time how lucky I was that she would be so strong  in her avoidance …she never gave me a jot of hope that she would relent…..and I would suffer many long months  in this state relying on scraps of hope and the lifeblood of meetings as well as calls to SlAA friends…after a year the pain seemed to ease a little and my higher power led me to the H.O.W programme and a sponsor ….and recovery began in earnest 8 months ago …..the withdrawal however is still going on and the pain was intense earlier today for several minutes ..but now I use the tools of the programme ..it gets better …always better ……but there are no quick fixes for love addiction.

Wow! Thank you for writing

Wow! Thank you for writing those feelings down, it is so real and so close, i am feeling the same right now.

My obsession about an ex bf literally turning me into a crazy lady. despite knowing what's right and wrong, i cannot control myself but have to do the wrong thing over and over again. I just have to bring myself to be humiliated by him and to be hurt by him each and everytime. Until the final moment of madness blinded my brain and heart, i stalked him; i fabricated lies to him just to get attention...etc...whilst also seeing other people...

my heart is burning and i could felt at the moment of madness, all self respect, all dignity means nothing to me. I just want him! i just want his attention, so bad. I would say thing i don't mean to, i'd do thing i never thought i am capable of doing. i am turning into a devil that i am so ashamed of, but unable to stop.

it's been my 1.5 days of withdrawal, it's so hard! i have literally wasted all my money on calling psychic hotlines non stop, just to hear that some psychic claims that this is not the end of everything. although my heart knows better, i just can't accept it.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Dearest Feituer I so know

Dearest Feituer I so know how you feel and I promise you things will get better, not straightaway but a day at a time. I would suggest you try to stay away from your ex . What does an encounter with him bring you, do for you, how does it make you feel? It is easier said than done of course...I know all too well the depths this addiction will take you and sometimes you have to reach rockbottom to realise how pointless and dangerous these attachments are. Join a group, read around the subject there are so many fabulous titles out there, reach out to those around you who treat you like you deserve to be treated.....and remember if nothing changes....nothing changes....be courageous and make that first step to a life which puts you at the centre of it, not someone who does not and cannot have your best interests at heart. Accept what you know to be true...the only person you can control is yourself. Kindest wishes  

Thank you Roseoil

Thank you, I have taken comfort in your words. I am feeling very alone, but do have people I can speak to I just have to be brave and reach out. Well done to you, 200 miles to stay on the road to recovery, that is truly amazing! I am inspired!

Am going mad

Am not sleeping well have been awake since around 6am the days seem so long and seem to go on for ever. I am trying to fill my time up properly but no matter what I do the pain feels so unbearable. I have just emailed my ex and apologised for some of my very immature and addicted behaviour but am certain he will not acknowledge me. I am so tempted to just meet someone else but know that the mere idea is total folly and is probably THE worst thing I could do. Its not not that I cant be without someone I just want to feel close to someone, no to my ex...but I cant have him. I have no solution to what I am feeling. I don't want to self medicate I want feel feel every inch of pain to try to ensure that I learn from this experience so that it can never happen again. But in the meantime what do I do? Am continuing to read but am starting to find it all so confusing.   

Your withdrawal experience

Hello Joe

Have just read about your experience of withdrawal and was moved by your eloquence. You really explained so well the anxiety, the distress and the despair. I have taken lots of comfort from your words and pray that I will start to feel some relief from my current feelings. I have just spent two hours looking for my ex on a couple of sex sites that I 'found' him on yesterday! Why I am I looking for him...I don't really know. Am desperately trying to hang on to him anyway i can...but what a pointless, fruitless waste of time. My heart is in pieces..am not eating properly I have no appetite and do not want to talk to anyone, but I did speak to a friend yesterday and actually laughed. Have been out today for the first time since Christmas Eve. Went shopping and spent about £400 in an hour...how I wish it would have made a difference to how I am now feeling. Blimey and Strictly Come Dancing has finished I joke not! Like you I am trying not to self medicate, no more alcohol, no quick fix relationships....I so want to be better. Time seems to have slowed down..when I was with my 'drug' time seemed to just fly...I think that's another symptom though.  

Am going to try to go to a meeting on Sunday but am unsure if it will be running? Am unsure what the tools of the program are but I suppose that's one of the areas that will be covered?

Hope you have had a good day and writing about your pain hasn't left you feeling too much trauma. 

Withdrawal

Hi LOVE4ME, I am sorry to hear you are going through such pain. I can identify as I have been swinging around feeling pain and then numbness. The only way I have coped with this is by talking to people in SLAA. As you may remember I don't live near any meetings but when I visited London I got phone numbers of other women that I can call. Yesterday I drove 200 miles to get to a meeting and got some more phone numbers. I also have a sponsor ( another love addict who shows me how the programme works) I have to phone her every day and she suggests I ring 3 other women each day too. It sounds like a lot and is very strange to talk to people I don't know about this stuff but is the only way to cope with this addiction. If you can get to a meeting, do. This addiction thrives on us being isolated. I hope today gets more bearable for you x

 Hi everyone in

 Hi everyone in ........withdrawal !!.....again! after a slip at the end of step nine., it does get better it's just that for some of us it takes a long time I have no regrets, it's just one day at a time !Thy Will not Mine be done.

I am new to this forum. 

I am new to this forum.  Getting into S.L.A.A. again after my relationship recently broke up.  Was coming along sometimes but was frightened of being honest about my relationship in case I realised that it was sick and I would need to get out of it!  Am going through really painful love addiction withdrawals.  Cant really understand why I am going to bed hoping that I dont wake up and getting triggered all day long around things that remind me of my partner.  I feel so lonely and abandoned and very child-like in it so for me I know that some of this is my childhood abandonment.  I keep checking my phone to see if my ex has rung me and of course he hasnt.  He has made the break and isnt trying to hook me in again.  I know that I would hate it if he tried to and didnt really want to be with me  - but I really want to hear his voice.!  I feel like I have lost my friend.  I hate coming home to nobody and not having anyone to share my day with or watch films with, eat with etc.  I remember being on my own in the past and I hate spending too much time on my own.  But I know that if someone doesnt want to be with me I dont want to be hanging around them hoping for a crumb of attention.  That would be like I was as a kid hoping over and over that my parents would praise me or listen to me in a loving way. Yesterday I went onto facebook looking for him.  I saw a picture of him looking happy and I felt gutted.  Surely he must be feeling sad about not being with me!  I seem to put my worth on him.  I thought we were really close in lots of ways coz both of us are in Recovery and had seen a joint counsellor for ages.  I make up he is just getting on with his life.  I couldnt eat or sleep that much in the first week after he broke up wiht me.  Now I want to overeat.  Thank god that I am not at the moment coz then I would hate myself and be worried about that. ....but I know that I want to.  Would be great to hear anyones experience.want to get well

hi this is my first time

hi this is my first time addressing my problem i have been reading pages and pages everthing i have read on your page is what i am going through i am now convinced  i have a problem,thank you

Hi Want to be well.I was in

Hi Want to be well.I was in the place you are describing just over 3 years ago.  It is so hard. What worked for me was using the 12 step programme.  Getting to meetings as often as possible and picking up the phone to share with someone in the fellowship when the urge to contact my ex was really strong.  I realised that searching for him online was another part of my addictive behaviour and only made me feel more wretched, and so I did the same when getting urges to look at him online. Remember also that even if you weren't a love addict you would still grieve the loss of your relationship, so be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time.   Venus

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