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one of the hardest days of my life
Have spent Christmas Day alone for the first time in 38 years. Have finally split up from my sex addict 'boyfriend' after nearly three years. I had reached my bottom line, after countless betrayals and broken promises I woke up from my delusions and denials and told him that we could on no longer without him entering therapy. He refused and blamed me for our problems. He has been increasingly distant since I started my own therapy and suspected he had met yet another lady. Of course my intuition was right. So alone of my own choice was invited out but thought that spending this time alone would really make me think about the issues I have and force me to deal with them, rather than bury my head in the sand and eventually have to deal with this pain again. Have thought of him incessantly but have a new emotion, anger and it feels right and I dont feel guilty at all, wish I had felt like this before. Have been reading (Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction A Codependents perspective by Christine A. Adams; superb ) drinking, relaxing and crying in no particular order and it seems to be working, but wow it has been hard, but I didn't die and I thought without him I would, immediately. Happy Christmas to any other Gods and Goddesses facing a difficult time my love and virtual support goes out to all of you.
A difficult Christmas but a hopeful new year
Its very heartening to share online and I am feeling a little better each day...but it is very hard. I just have finished a women's therapy group with a wonderful therapist who is an associate of Thaddeus Birchard. It was magnificent, challenging but so supportive and I met some wonderful people. However I am aware that a difficulty I have had from childhood cannot be repaired in a few months. I have been reading lots, three books since Christmas Eve but know I am going to need more support. Will join the an SLAA group in the new year. Am scared because I am good at holding myself together privately and before we were still 'together' not sure how I will be now and and with new people but I must not let that minor worry influence my future. In a way I feel that it is all pointless how can I learn a totally new way of being when I am so used to the old one? Just thinking about connections with people turns my stomach at the moment. Suppose I am just making excuses, what have I got to lose, apart from pain, despair, loneliness, insanity etc!
This Christmas was one of my
This Christmas was one of my most difficult too.
I recently lost a relationship down to my own destructive bahaviour - and as a result, I spent most of this Christmas alone and feeling sorry for myself, at one point sent "happy christmas" text to my ex, to which there was no response.
I miss my ex-girlfriend terribly, but know there is no going back. I know that all I can do now is work on my own behaviour to assure that I no longer repeat the patterns that led to our break up. Thing is, she too was at fault, I found out she had also been unfaithful to me, but the relationship had broken down so much that we might as well have not been together anyway.
It's a sad time for me. I'm in recovery in AA anyway, but it's taken me a hell of a long time to realise my powerlessness and destructiveness in the areas of sex and love. I'm sick of the way I systematically destroy things.
I've never been to an SLA meeting. I think it's time for me to seek you guys out.
Christmas alone!
Yeah ..i just spent my first Christmas alone (not in a relationship)for 15 or so years. it has been painful ..for me it was the first time I had to spend Christmas without being a family with my wife (now ex wife as she has divorced me) and our two sons who I am very close to ...i had been able to accept that I could maybe manage without my wife but I find letting go of the idea of a family at christmas ..with so many happy memories of christmas trees decorations and turkey ..this is really unbearable and I am so sad that my kids no longer have a whole family unit I'm very angry at my ex and believe her to be very ill with this disease ...but i was also very sick and horrendously avoidant...I have now been in SLA for over a year and working the HOW programme for 8 months with a sponsor I found it very hard to stop drinking completely until I found SLAA ..like AA where alcohol takes a back seat to sharing recovery SLAA is all about recovery and less about Sex and Love addiction (in my opinion) sodon't be put off by the name get to a meeting ....the fellowship is very strong.
Joe
Thy Will not Mine be done.
I'm in London and going to
I'm in London and going to make my first SLA meeting tonight. Bloomsbury is my nearest, can anyone tell me if it's definitely on over the holiday period?
Just joined
I'm a sex addict who got back with my partner after last Christmas, but was alone again this year.
I haven't been unfaithful to her but I am compulsive within the relationship and in a previous relationship had serial affairs.
I hope all goes well with you. I'm keen to meet and correspond with others who have a non-judgemental supportive understanding of my difficulties.
David
Bottom line
Out of interest I would really like to know what your bottom line was and how you knew you had reached it? How has your partner been supporting you?
I so miss my boyfriend but know that my trying to control his behaviour actually exacerbated it...my wish was never to do that. A mixture of ignorance and codependence meant that the very thing I feared most ultimately has come true...that we would part.
What help are you having to keep your resolve?
I went through this 3 years
I went through this 3 years ago. Stick to your intuition - I separated from my partner of 15 years on nothing but intuition, & became single for the first time in my life at Christmas time. It was the most painful period imaginable, which lasted a good 6 months, during which I began my recovery in SLAA, and began to accept my part in the relationship. 3 years on, I can say that my main block of initial withdrawal is over, and the relationship has experienced strong healing, yet I experience daily withdrawal sometimes in fighting against addiction. It is a clever illness, but my Higher Power is much cleverer. I think for me getting to a meeting & sharing is the best way to recover, as often as possible for the first few months. Stay well.
Withdrawal
It must have been very painful to face the reality of the situation.Well done so far, this addiction is cunning baffleing and powerful ..a good suggestion at this time would be to get to an Slaa meeting as soon as possible before the great resolve you have found is eroded by the negotive thoughts that are part of withdrawl and have have dragged so many of us back into illness. Keep strong ...and Get To A Meeting ASAP!!! there is a meetings list on this website ...it is very ..very difficult to recover from SLA without going to meetings ..we are very often powerless over it in early days of recovery.
Thy Will not Mine be done.
Meetings..
I am new to SLAA and whilst in London recently got myself a sponsor and have just started the HOW questions. I realise the importance of meetings as I am also in AA, however I now live where there are no slaa meetings.......any suggestions? I think I was a bit disheartened by your comments about how difficult it is to recover without meetings.
There are also
There are also internet/online meetings, and get the basic text, and read that withdrawel chapter, it is one of the most lovely things ever written, how to "withdraw" your energy, away from the addiciton, and back into your own center. I carry it with me, in those days that I feel like I just want to shrivel up and die, panic attacks, "fear and dread," (as one of our female members calls it). It subsides, and passes.
LewG